100 Bad Pickup Lines, A Men's Guide to First Impressisons
We've all been there. You haven't dated in a while. Or ever. You see an attractive woman across the bar or at her desk at work. You want to say something, but the first thing that comes out of your mouth just doesn't sound as you intended. Well, since we can't exactly tell you what to say (that would be fake, and women pick up on that), we have put together a collection of what not to say as your opener. If this list helps even one guy, we've done our jobs.
1.) Your hair flows like a waterfall down the craggy mountain which is your head.
2.) I would go to jail for you. Please let me go to jail for you.
3.) Let's play war. I'll lay down, and you have sex with my penis.
4.) I'm going to stare at your boobs now. Here I go.
5.) You can either go out with me or receive the beating of a lifetime. Choice is yours.
6.) Nice shirt. It would look great crumpled up in the alley behind my car.
7.) Your hair smells like bacon. Do you work at Denny's?
8.) Are you on your period?
9.) They call Gonorrhea "The Lover's Disease."
10.) Do you have Yahoo Messenger?
11.) My magic watch says you have genital herpes. You don't? Oh, then I guess it must be an hour fast.
12.) How much money would it take to let me to lick your *******?
13.) Would you mind not telling anyone that I asked you out? You kind of look like a dude.
14.) What's your stance on rape?
15.) Damn, girl, that ass makes me think of my grandmother. Want to go back to my place?
16.) Hi, I'm hal03fanXX69.
17.) Do you wash your clothes in Windex? Because ammonia gives me a huge boner.
18.) My nethers are like the Amazon: green, moist, and teeming with wildlife. Let me take you on an adventure.
19.) "Knock knock." "Who's there?" *Long, psychotic gaze.*
20.) They call me Snowstorm, cause I give you 1-2 inches and make your life a bit more annoying for a week or so.
21.) This bar brings back great memories. Like that time I thought about forced sodomy on you a few minutes ago.
22.) That ass is so fine, I want to abandon you with child.
23.) I was hoping you could settle a bet between me and my friend here. He says your eyes are naturally blue, and I say that you're a filthy, dirty whore.
24.) Have you ever been told the story of Jesus Christ?
25.) I can crack a walnut with my *******.
26.) *Snap fingers. Point at crotch.*
27.) Got any Spanish in you? No? That's odd, I could have sworn that you did.
28.) Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind, screaming and crying in terror all day.
29.) Girl, I want you to be the Angelica Singleton to my Martin Van Buren.
30.) I've got a message for you. It's written on my dong.
31.) Sorry but it looks like someone removed the battery from your car. I'm no mechanic but I'm pretty sure we could solve this by f***ing.
32.) I can whistle the theme to Andy Griffith. Listen.
33.) You wouldn't happen to be incredibly stupid, would you?
34.) Girl, if I could, I would write your name on the moon. But only if your name was Sue or Amy because I'm not spending a lot of time on it.
35.) Back in high school, they called me Jimmy "the Hunch" Smith. Because of the giant hunch on my shoulder. Hi, I'm Chad Thompson.
36.) I've got a Porsche. I had to beat track 12 on expert mode to get it. Why don't you come back to my place, and I'll let you drive it with the good controller.
37.) I was wondering if you could settle a bet with us? My friend here says that a Paladin has every right to roll need on Valor gear. And I say that if he wanted Valor gear, then he should have rolled a warrior in the first place and stop being a n00b tard.
38.) I can make your dreams come true, if your dreams consist of f***ing a slovenly German man on a bunch of empty pizza boxes.
39.) George Bush is hella stupid. But enough about politics. Let's talk about your bush. I bet it's hella stupid.
40.) I've always wondered what it would be like to get a blowjob from Q-Bert. Do me a favor and jump up that set of stairs.
41.) You look familiar. Do you hang out in the women's restroom a lot?
42.) Of all the women in the bar, you looked to me like the most likely to f*** a stranger.
43.) Cool tattoo. Do you have any on your vagina?
44.) I don't want to come off as sappy but you make me forget all my urinary tract infections.
45.) You should be a chauffeur. Because you drive me crazy. Crazy enough to do something nonsensical and violent in the name of love.
46.) You're like a princess. And I'm just a lowly plumber. And the only thing standing between you and I is a monkey, throwing flaming barrels of rejection in my way.
47.) Hey, how about we end this night with a bang? And then maybe some crying and a splash?
48.) SINNER!
49.) I didn't want you to be the only chick in here tonight who didn't get hit on. It's good for your self esteem.
50.) How many drinks would I have to buy you to get you to come home with me? I'm not employed and I want to spend as little as possible.
51.) If you ever cheat on me, I'll f***ing kill you both. Do you understand me? Don't look at the floor - look at me. Do you understand me?
52.) I'm the only guy in the room who's drunk enough to not consider you hideous and grotesque. Let's face it, I'm your best and only option.
53.) My ex girlfriend used to wear this perfume. Hold still, I'm just going to put a little on you.
54.) This is a suicide note. You can either go home with me tonight, in which case I burn it. Or you can reject me, and they'll find this stapled to my chest in the morning. My life is in your hands.
55.) I'm going to sing "The Final Countdown" by Europe until you agree to sleep with me. Don't try to walk away; I'll only follow you.
56.) I know we haven't met yet but I wanted to tell you I love you and I always will, regardless of how you feel about it. Your only happiness will be through my graces.
57.) I know how much you like art. So I drew you this crude picture of Axl Rose.
58.) So, tell me about the first time you had sex. Be detailed.
59.) I was just bit in the crotch by a snake! Can you suck out the poison? And also put a finger in my ass?
60.) I want to f*** you where farts come from. If you know what I mean.
61.) Can I buy you a drink and then put these pills in it?
62.) It's a beautiful night. The moon reminds me of how enormous this world really is. It's just incredible to me, knowing that somewhere out there right now, someone is getting fisted on a webcam under this very same moon.
63.) I believe that honesty is the most important part of a relationship. Ironic that I'm using these very words to try and trick you into sucking my cock.
64.) I can move objects with my mind. But first, they must be thrown from my hand. Here, let me show you - is this your dog?
65.) What's that behind your ear? Why, it's a recently-used but thoroughly-cleaned strapon! Ta-dah!
66.) Freud was right, mom. Dad won't be bothering us anymore. Now, what do you say we validate the second part of the theory?
67.) From this point forward, you shall be known as Shamiq Gonscata. It means "Blessed Hamsteak of the Moon Rose."
68.) So what's a guy got to do around this joint to get a b**** to fart into his open mouth?
69.) Try to guess what color I'm thinking of. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope...
70.) Hi, my name is Ja- Wait, I'll be right back. When I get nervous, I shit almost pure liquid.
71.) I want you to know that I totally respect you. Specifically, the tits part of you.
72.) You'll do. Follow me.
73.) I want you to know that if you don't hear from me for a few days, it's not because I'm trying to avoid you. It's because I am successfully doing so.
74.) Would you like to go out for some coffee? Some sex coffee?
75.) Man, I love Taco Bell commercials. Let me reenact my top twenty favorites for you right now. Ok, you'll have to imagine that I'm a dog...
76.) I guess I'm what you'd call a little "old-fashioned." Is that even a desirable characteristic to have anymore? You may respond.
77.) I couldn't help overhearing you ladies talking about your gynecology visit. I just wanted you to know that excessive vaginal secretions don't totally gross me out.
78.) Do you work out? You should consider working out.
79.) You're like a beautiful daisy. You're slender and white, and your arms kind of look leafy, and... I'm not good with analogies. Can I see your boobs?
80.) Are you drunk yet?
81.) My mom is picking me up in sixteen minutes. I need an answer fast.
82.) I've only got one week to live, and my dying wish is to make love to a beautiful woman like yourself. No? Then you also have one week to live.
83.) If I said you had a beautiful body, would you shit on my chest?
84.) You could totally be a model on nubilecocksluts.com.
85.) Just tell the teacher that I'm your dad. She won't know the difference.
86.) Hey, check out what I can do with my armpit.
87.) I was wondering if you could settle a bet for us. My friend and I were wondering which one of our currently-exposed genitalia smells the least like cabbage.
88.) So who's your favorite professional bowler?
89.) I know what you did.
90.) Can you buy me a drink? I just spent my last fifty cents on a French Tickler.
91.) Could I interest you in an eventual heated divorce?
92.) Do I make you horny, baby, YEAH! Get it? It's Austin Powers! Wait, I can do Napoleon Dynamite, too.
93.) So anyway, I get my missile silos armed, and I bring my Terran ghosts right outside of his base. They're all in stealth mode, but this noob doesn't even scan to see if I'm there. He's got like fifty carriers built, but they're all inside of his base - like THAT'S a safe place to be. I drop one dot in the middle of his fleet and two more on his Nexus...
94.) Do you play for the WNBA? Because you're f***ing huge.
95.) Your eyes are absolutely beautiful. They'll fit my collection nicely... No, I'm speaking metaphorically.
96.) After this guy is done, you think I could maybe hit up seconds? I don't mind the mess.
97.) Do you like me? If so, check this box.
98.) Do you ever have the feeling you're being watched? Because you are, Deborah. There will never be a time when you're not being watched.
99.) Hi, I'm Sam Watters. I was a singer in the group Color Me Badd.
100.) I can make balloon animals out of condoms. Look... a dong!
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